My, oh my, a lot can change in a person in a couple of years. Back in 2017, I wrote a post about the hard choice I was making to not have children. I tried to convince myself that this was the right path for me, and a lot of you commented about your own experiences regarding becoming parents.
At the time, I thought this was what was best for me. I had had a few miscarriages (that still haunt me to this day) and my partner didn’t want them. It seemed that I just wasn’t meant to be a mom. And I thought I was OK with this.
Flash-forward to this past Mother’s Day. About a week before the actual day, I found myself crying whenever I saw someone announce they were expecting or saw my friends with their little brood. I tried to play it off as hormones.
“It’s nothing,” I’d say to myself. “It’s just your hormones or your pills playing games.”
It wasn’t until the actual day when my partner said the words, while I was already struggling to get through the day, “I don’t know why we’d celebrate Mother’s Day. You’re not a mom.”
I’m not a mom…
It seems that not being able to carry my own children to term is equivalent to them not having existed at all. That the agony of the miscarriage meant the moniker of mom was never meant for me. It meant the tears I shed over what would have been my children don’t mean anything. I’m not a mom, after all.
I can’t begin to describe the shock and pain those words sent through my system. My experiences meant nothing. It was at this exact moment that I knew what I wanted…nay…needed to be a mom. When I said it out loud to, well, myself, I became awash with a sense of calm, serenity and clarity. For the first time in years, I knew I made the right choice.
So, I started to look at my options. I will be the first to say that having my own child is not an option for me. In addition to the complications I’ve experienced in the past with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, I also take medications that I don’t really feel comfortable not taking. Sure, I could look into surrogacy, but it just doesn’t seem like the right fit for me.
The idea that brings a smile to my face and brings enormous joy to my heart is the idea of adoption. Being able to give a child a loving, caring, welcoming home just makes sense to me. This is what or where my journey is taking me. With someone or alone, I know this is in my future and I’m beyond thrilled about it. It puts the biggest smile on my face and fills my heart with so much love. I obviously don’t know who this child is, or when this will finally happen, but what I do know is that I love them so much already.
As I look more into the process and start that exciting journey, I’ll be sharing it with you every step of the way. I can’t put into words how excited I am about this. I hope you’ll stick around for the ride.
Until next time!